Categories
Home Builders

Home Building Candidates 

I dangled my feet over the edge of the cliff, watching the sun slowly set over the boundless horizon. A flock of gulls drifted lazily along the surface of the ocean, occasionally dipping beneath the waves to snatch a fish.

‘Superb!’ I chortled, taking a sip from my flask.

‘Sir!’ came a choked gasp from below me. I frowned and looked down to see Ivor, my venerable assistant, struggling to climb the last few feet up the side of the mountain.

‘Ah, Ivor!’ I clapped. ‘Have you returned with my prospective architects?’

‘Yes, sir. I just need you to move your feet so I can get past—’

‘Fine,’ I rolled my eyes, lifting them up and off their comfortable perch ­– Ivor’s head, as it turned out.

One by one, a small group of men finished the ascent, and began scoping out the top of the cliff with notepads.

‘These are the new home builders for hire on the Mornington Peninsula?’ I asked Ivor. He nodded enthusiastically.

‘They sure are, sir.’

‘That man isn’t wearing a shirt, Ivor,’ I muttered.

‘Well, it was warm when we started climbing, sir,’ he said nervously.

‘You there!’ I called to the shirtless man. ‘Yes, you!’

He trundled over, pencil tucked behind his ear, frown on his face. ‘How’s can I helps ya?’ he asked, then spat over the side of the cliff.

‘I’m just curious,’ I began with a tight smile. ‘Would you describe yourself as belonging to a firm of, say… luxury home architects?’

‘I’m whatever you need me to be,’ he shrugged, hocking up another ball of spit.

‘Charming,’ I frowned, watching it sail down to the ground. ‘I’m afraid I’ve decided to go with a different company for this particular endeavour.’

‘Who?’ he frowned. ‘Pauly?’

‘I don’t know who—no,’ I cut myself off. ‘Not Pauly.’

‘It’s a shame,’ he shrugged. ‘Pauly is good people.’

‘Good to know,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘Ta-ta now. Safe travels.’

‘Ivor,’ I hissed, once the man was gone. ‘Exactly who are these yokels you’ve brought to me?’

Categories
Wallpaper

Husband Loves The Decals

As soon as my husband got home, bless his kind soul, he came straight into our bedroom to check on me. He sent me multiple texts throughout the day which was very sweet of him and I could tell that he was eager to get home to be with me. When you’re in love, you don’t want your person feeling sick. It makes you feel sick. He was checking in on me just as much for me as he was for himself. Does that make sense? I’m not sure. I’m still sick.

Anyway, as soon as I was able to establish that I was alive enough for him not to worry too much, I asked him what his thoughts were on getting flower wall decals for our bedroom. I’m sure you would remember the dream I had, which I spoke about in depth in my last blog. My dream was bright, colourful and happy. It made me feel at peace which was really needed because I feel so incredibly sick. It was nice to have some sort of relief even if just for a moment and that’s why I want to decorate our room with flowers. I like the vibe that they bring to a space and I really like feeling happy and healthy at all times. It would be good to choose some flower wall decals for our room because they will do just that! Am I rambling again? Yes. Blame my illness.

Anyway, my husband was super excited about the idea! He said in addition to adding flower art to our walls, he’d love it if he could choose his own wall decal design. Melbourne decal designers are few and far between but the lady who has created the flower wall decals that I love also has a large range of other wall decals to choose from! I said he’s more than welcome to choose whichever decal he likes.

Categories
Steel

Steeling A Lunch

‘Woah, woah, easy there, sunshine!’ my foreman yelled out, ducking under a girder that was being slowly lifted onto the scaffolding. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’

‘Me?’ I asked, pointing at myself.

‘You see anyone else around here?’

‘Uh…’ I frowned, glancing around at the hundred-odd other people around us. ‘I guess not?’

‘Good guess,’ he said, arriving next to me, mildly puffed from his walk. ‘I need you on a job.’

‘I was just taking lunch—’

‘Not anymore,’ he snatched my brown paper bag and threw it off the side of the building. ‘You’re with me.’

‘What the heck?’

‘Look at this steel,’ he said abruptly, pointing at the girders. ‘Do you think the people who make this incredible product take lunch breaks?’

‘The steel fabricators?’ I frowned.

‘They’re not just “the steel fabricators”,’ he mocked me. ‘They’re the best steel fabricators around. Melbourne is built on the backs of their steel!’

‘Riiiight,’ I nodded, slightly concerned by how wide his eyes were bulging. ‘And why does that mean I don’t get lunch?’

‘Because I need you to pick up a shipment for me.’

‘I’m not a driver,’ I protested. ‘I barely know how to drive!’

‘Really?’ the foreman frowned, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘Because your resume says you hold three classes of licence and worked as a truck driver on four construction teams in the last—

‘Ohhh, that kind of driving,’ I interrupted nervously. ‘Why didn’t you say?’

‘Anyway…’ he smiled thinly. ‘I need you to collect a shipment of steel beams from Melbourne.’

‘Fine,’ I sighed. ‘At least let me take someone to help load the steel.’

‘Your resume also says you’re a three time Mister Olympiad, able to lift more than six times your own body weight.’

‘Alright, alright,’ I snatched the paper out of his hand. ‘Everyone lies on their resume.’

‘Not like that they don’t,’ he chuckled. ‘Take Stevens – and don’t drop my steel!’

Categories
Cars

Breakfast Car Troubles

‘Have a good morning!’ Anthony called from the entryway, briefcase in one hand as he fished for his keys with another.

‘Bye, hun!’ I called back, frowning as I tried to trick our toddler into accepting the damn aeroplane. She wasn’t having it today, and pretty soon there was mashed apple all over the floor.

‘Really?’ I asked her, as she giggled and clapped her hands.

Dammit, I thought. That’s too cute to get mad at.

‘Well played,’ I nodded. ‘Well played.’

The door creaked open again, and I got up to see my husband walk back in with a frown.

‘The car wouldn’t start,’ he explained, hurrying over to the fridge for our list of emergency numbers.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, I couldn’t get it to turn over in the driveway.’

‘Could it be your spark plugs?’

‘I doubt it,’ he shook his head. ‘I just had those replaced, when I took it to that trustworthy mechanic close to Raceview for its service.’

‘Ah,’ I nodded. ‘Well, it was nice pretending I knew something helpful.’

Anthony grinned at me as he plugged a few numbers into the kitchen landline. I could hear it ringing from across the kitchen as I dabbed at our daughter’s mouth with a flannel.

‘No luck?’

‘It’s just ringing through,’ he frowned some more. ‘I don’t understand this.’

‘You’d better call your boss and tell him you’ll be late,’ I said. ‘Oh wait! You are the boss!’

He laughed and hung up the handset. ‘You’re right. What’s the rush? I’m in charge!’

‘There you go!’ I grinned. ‘So just spend the morning here, and then we’ll figure out whatever sort of general servicing your car needs.’

He nodded his acceptance, walking over and gratefully taking the flannel and the spoon from my hands.

‘I’ve just gotta grab something from the bedroom,’ I said, letting him take over breakfast duties.

Walking into the room, I collapsed onto the mattress with a sigh, closing my eyes – right after I made sure the spark plugs were still safely hidden under the bed.

Categories
Hardware

Treehouse Timber

‘So Dave is up there right now?’ my sister Cheryl raised an eyebrow, leaning sideways off the couch to look out the window and into our backyard.

‘He sure is,’ I sighed, taking a long sip of my tea.

‘Son of a—’ we heard Dave yell, followed by a muffled thump.

‘Oh, my god, Jessica!’ Cheryl got to her feet, dropping her teacup onto the coffee table. ‘He just fell out of the tree.’

‘Sounds about right,’ I nodded, not turning around.

‘Should we go help him?’

‘Give him ten more seconds,’ I shrugged.

‘Ten more…’ Cheryl looked confused. A muffled groan found its way into the living room, as Dave flashed us a thumb’s up.

‘See, he’s fine,’ I pointed. ‘We have a system.’

‘What system?’

‘If he doesn’t let me know he’s fine within thirty seconds of falling out of the tree, then I call the ambulance.’

‘This has happened before?’

‘It’s actually the third time it’s happened since you got here,’ I told her. ‘He’s genuinely not well balanced enough to be building a treehouse.’

‘Is he… okay?’

‘Yeah, whenever he’s had enough he just pretends he has to duck out to our local hardware store in Cheltenham.’

‘Okay,’ Cheryl frowned, slowly sinking back into the couch. She picked up her tea again, nervously watching Dave climbing up the tree trunk.

‘See,’ I gestured, ‘no problem at all.’

‘He might be bleeding,’ she squinted.

‘It’s probably old blood, I’m making him wear the same clothes every time he goes up there.’

‘Why?’

‘Because of all the blood,’ I frowned. Obviously.

Another muffled yelp and thud echoed in from outside.

‘Hmm,’ I nodded. ‘That was a quick one.’

Cheryl sat in a stunned silence for a few moments. Eventually the screen door slid open, and Dave stuck his head in.

‘Hiya Cheryl,’ he beamed. ‘I’m just ducking out to grab building supplies from a store near Cheltenham. Won’t be long.’

Whistling, he walked through the house and out the front door, starting the car.

‘Should he be driving?’ Cheryl whispered to me.

‘Just drink your tea, Cheryl’ I rolled my eyes.

Categories
Cable Installation

Enhance My WIFI

I love working from home. I love waking up ten minutes before work starts, eating breakfast while I read my morning emails and going for a walk at lunch. I love finishing work at five on the dot and being out the door at 5:01pm. There are just so many great benefits to working from home that it’s often worth putting up with my poor quality internet.

You see, I really enjoy working outside in the sunshine during summer, or tucked up in my bed during winter. Even though I’m working hard and continually ensuring an impressive output, I feel like I’m not working at all. I feel significantly less stressed than I would doing the same tasks in the office and all in all, it’s better for my mental health and wellbeing.  

The only real issue with my house is the fact that my wifi no longer reaches outside or upstairs to my bedroom. It means that I’ve had to spend a lot of time on the couch which hasn’t been good for my back and my living room is really dark so it’s not good for my eyes. I really think I would benefit from having a wifi technician come and perform an enhance wifi signal at home service. I’m not really sure of the technical name for that sort of thing, but I’m sure the technician would understand what I meant when I explained my situation. I just want to be able to work in the places that I want like I used to be able to. Is that too much to ask?

If I’m going to bother scheduling the technician to come in for a service, I may as well get them to also perform a TV wall mounting service. Melbourne internet and cabling technicians seem to be able to offer this service also, so I may as well kill two birds with one stone. Wow. I’ve never typed that phrase before. It’s rather horrible. 

Categories
Property

Conveyancer Haunting

Things weren’t looking good for Rylee. With her leg broken and a haunted conveyancing museum attempting to end her life, she had significant doubts over whether she’d escape. Finding a relatively safe corner to hide in, for a long while she simply hoped that the haunted papers and furniture would forget all about her, but after two hours, that didn’t seem to be the case. And so, if she was going to make it out, she’d have to crawl through the maelstrom and hope for the best.

Just as she prepared to push herself through the pain and leave her hiding spot, a paper bat crashed into the wall near her, falling to the ground in a clear daze. Rylee extended her arm and snatched the paper, unfolding it. The document appeared to be by a conveyancer operating near Brighton, detailing a property settlement, although it was only half-finished. The paper struggled in her hand, attempting to break free of her grasp. Rylee held tight, an idea forming in her mind.

She’d once worked as a buyer’s agent, real estate agent and pretended to be a conveyancer in the Mentone area, as well as numerous other Melbourne suburbs. She was perfectly qualified to complete this piece of work. Besides, even if nothing happened, the mere fact that it was half-finished bothered her quite a bit, so she simply had to do something about it.

Rylee pulled a pen out of her pocket and began to complete the paperwork, even as the paper continued struggling against her. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, she managed to dot all the I’s and cross all the T’s.

When the job was done, the paper immediately stopped struggling. It went limp, then fell to the floor as she let it go. Slowly, the paper began to fade, until it was no longer there at all. 

Rylee put the pen away and considered what had just happened. It seemed the restless papers simply wanted their conveyancing business completed, so if she could put them to rest, maybe she would be able to get out of here safely. It was worth a shot, at least.

Categories
Wallpaper

Decorating With Decals

I might need to look into redecorating. My husband and I have just gotten divorced. Finally. I hated having him around all the time. The way he would leave the toilet seat up, not wipe dirt smudges off door handles or put his dishes in the dishwasher. Heck, even the way he packed the dishwasher when he finally did annoyed me.

I’m very glad to finally have him out of my life and even though I already feel ten times better than I did last week, I’d like to cleanse myself even more of him before I completely move on with my life. Even though I did all the interior decorating for our home (of course), I want to change it all. I picked wall decals designed in Melbourne that I knew we would both like. Or, not like exactly, but both tolerate. Now I can remove all the old artwork and select pieces that purely only I would like. In fact, I’m going to select pieces that I know for a fact he doesn’t like, just to show the world how free I am of him. I’ve kicked the deadweight to the curb and I couldn’t be happier about it. 

After fifteen years of marriage, I’m finally free. I’ve taken all his money and I’m going to spend all of it on things that he hates. It’s an incredibly satisfying feeling, if I do say so myself. This weekend I’m going to have the ladies over. We’re going to have a massive night – half of us are divorced and the other half are more than happy to leave their husbands at home. It’s going to be a party for the girls, by the girls. We might even have too much bubbly and go rogue on my interior design. Maybe we’ll buy a dinosaur wall decal or two and make a shine for my ex-husband. The old dinosaur he is. I’ve never been happier to be a single, free woman.

Categories
Glass

Testing the Glass

‘Hi, Mister…’

‘You may call me Vlad,’ I said to the scientist from behind my sunglasses. She took a moment to adjust to my accent, then smiled at me again.

‘Vlad,’ she nodded. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’

‘Indeed,’ I snorted. ‘Now, you said you had something to show me?’

‘Of course,’ she nodded. ‘Your assistant said on the phone that you didn’t like to wait.’

‘Oh, it is not me that minds,’ I shook my head. ‘It is your kind.’

‘I beg your pardon?’ she asked, sweetly.

‘If I wait, for even an instant,’ I explained. ‘You have a frankly annoying habit of turning to dust, your entire civilisation collapsing into ruin and myth from which only I emerge unscathed.’

She gaped at me, lost for words. After a few moments, I grinned and gestured ahead of us.

‘Hugo said you had some commercial window tinting solutions that would suit my needs?’

‘What? Oh, right,’ she regained her composure. ‘Yes. My lab discovered something very interesting from the samples you supplied. Something very interesting indeed.’

‘Are they fraudulent?’ I asked her, stowing my sunglasses in my jacket pocket as we descended the stairs.

‘That’s just it,’ she said, excitement making her pulse quicken. ‘They’re even better than anticipated.’

‘Better?’ I frowned. ‘How is that possible?’

‘I didn’t believe it initially either,’ she held open a glass door for me. ‘But it’s true. These samples are no ordinary commercial decorative glass. Melbourne simply isn’t prepared for the ramifications of this discovery.’

‘Show me,’ I whispered. She obliged with a nod at one of her assistants, who quickly typed a command into a computer terminal.

The whole room turned dark, then lit by a dull green glow of emergency lighting. A mounted laser system descended from the ceiling, positioning itself in front of a pane of glass. Either it hadn’t been there when I’d first entered the room or I’d been unable to focus on it properly; I wasn’t sure which was worse.

‘Alright,’ the woman next to me said. ‘Places, people. Let’s make history.’

Categories
Plumbing

Flush In Trouble

‘Melvin!’ came the cry from downstairs. I briefly considered ignoring it.

‘Melvin!’ it repeated, angrier this time.

I sighed. No ignoring it. I just had to face the music.

‘Yeah, mum?’ I called innocently down the staircase.

‘Come here, please,’ she called back. Not calmly, exactly. More like… restrained.

I slowly trod down the stairs and into the bathroom, where my very unimpressed mother stood with her arms crossed in front of the toilet.

‘Explain yourself please,’ she said, tersely.

‘Uh…’ I started, but she immediately cut me off.

‘What happened?’

‘I don’t know what you mean?’ I tried, momentarily forgetting my pledge to face the music.

‘You know exactly what I mean,’ she said, pointing at the toilet bowl. ‘Now, I know that’s not your sister’s action figure sitting in my S-bend.’

‘It could be,’ I mumbled.

‘So tell me what happened,’ she said, ignoring me. ‘Explain why I’m about to call a plumber that fixes blocked drains in the Brighton area.’

‘Well…’ I started. ‘I brought him in here with me because I had to go, and I remembered that the box said that he was king of Atlan-tiss…’

‘Oh, Melvin,’ my mother put her head in her hand.

‘I thought he could swim!’ I said. ‘I wanted to see him swim!’

‘Sure,’ she said, exhausted. ‘But then why did you go and flush?’

‘Swimming was boring,’ I shrugged. ‘I wanted him to have to battle a cyclone!’

‘And how’d that go?’ she asked dryly.

‘He… he lost,’ I admitted.

‘Right,’ she sighed.

‘Will we be on the news?’ I asked excitedly.

‘What?’

‘Will we make it to the news?’ I repeated with a grin. I leapt into the headline with my best newscaster voice. ‘“Tonight: the great drain unblocking – Melbourne has never seen anything like it!”’

‘Why do you care if we make it on the news?’ she asked, frowning.

‘Because we always watch it!’ I told her.

‘Oh, I’ll be watching it,’ she nodded. ‘But how are you going to see it if you can’t use the TV for a month?’